The other day, I opened the Facebook app on my phone, and I was greeted with a lengthy thread posted in a Catholic moms group I’m a member of. I read the first line of the post, which included words like “shocked, hurt, expected more from this group” and so on, and the sheer drama caught my nosy attention.

I quickly scrolled through the comments to see what was up. People were upset, and I joined their ranks. Apparently, the author of this post had earlier posted a prayer request to the group involving a young boy. The request involved a “hot button issue”, but this woman was simply asking for prayer for him.

Guess what happened?

The majority of the comments left on that post were not offered prayers or expressions of sympathy; rather, the whole thread reeked of a heated debate about the issue that was a secondary and certainly inferior point of the original post. I was livid, and so were many of the other women. Instead of focusing on the important circumstance at hand – this little boy and his wellbeing – women were consumed with proving points, making accusations, and one-upping each other.

This was a terribly accurate illustration of what is known as “the mommy wars”. And they must stop.

For those of you unfamiliar with the mommy wars, I would suggest remaining in that state. It’s not worth your time.

But if you’re curious, “the mommy wars” typically refers to the (frequently aggressive) arguments women, mostly moms, but sometimes not, find themselves in due to the decisions they make for themselves and their children.

Sound ludicrous? It is.

Somewhere along the way, we came to the conclusion that it is acceptable for us to tell other people how to raise their own children. We like to think that we know what’s best for everyone. So we allow ourselves to get sucked in to angry arguments about attachment parenting vs. CIO, natural birth vs. medicated, pro-vaccine vs. anti-vaccine, circumcision vs. not, homeschool vs. traditional school, spanking vs. timeout, organic vs. processed, TV vs. no TV, working moms vs. stay at home moms, breastfeeding vs. bottle-feeding,  and the list goes on and on for days.

We forgot that parents may actually know what’s best for their own kids; and even if they don’t, it’s not our business to give unsolicited advice. Or in this case, unsolicited ranting.

None of the aforementioned choices even borderline child abuse or neglect; so why do we get our knickers in a bunch when someone chooses something different for their family than we do for ours? It’s their family. Could they be making the wrong decision? Sure. Could we be making the wrong decision? Absolutely. But the fact that moms, who are by their nature affectionate, sympathetic, and encouraging, who understand the difficulties of being in charge of little humans, who have intensely struggled in the face of these decisions, go at one another’s throats on these issues is just appalling.

Where is our affection, our sympathy, and our encouragement for one another in these situations?

When we seek advice from other moms and have to preface with “please no judgment”, we’re doing something wrong.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am obviously not discounting healthy debate over these issues. Personally, I like that, it helps me learn. And I am not discouraging sharing with one another the choices we made and why we made them. I’ve done that here on the blog before. But I pray that no one has ever felt judged for choosing the opposite. Because then I might die a little inside. Nor am I suggesting that we not be passionate about these issues. Because we can be passionate, we can discuss, and we can explain our choices without acting like middle-schoolers.

What I am proposing is that we stop condemning one another for making decisions based on what we think is best for our family right now.

Are we that ballsy to imply that someone is intentionally trying to make poor choices for their kids? Of course not. We’re just prideful enough to think that our way is the right way and there is no other right way.

But here’s the fact of the matter: there’s more than one way to skin a cat.

What, then, is the antidote to the mommy wars? I suggest it’s comprised of three things:

1. Humility
2. Compassion
3. Understanding

We’re supposed to be in this whole motherhood thing together, right? We’re supposed to encourage one another on the difficult days and rejoice with one another on the days when we finally behold the fruits of our labor. We’re supposed to be a shoulder to cry on when our our kid is acting out in school and we’re at a loss, not a snooty list of why-you’re-doing-everything-wrong wrapped in a pretty package of passive-aggresiveness.

The mommy wars must end because they are anti-motherhood. The mommy wars must end because we are dragging one another through the mud when we seek first to have our own voice heard. The mommy wars must end because we’re all trying to do what we think is best for our family, and that deserves respect.

We must pray for one another, mamas. We must listen and console and commiserate, not judge and argue and prove our unsolicited point. Because what is attractive about the latter?

Nada.

So the next time we’re quick to jump down someone’s throat for letting their kid watch a TV show, let’s humble ourselves, seek first to understand them, and remind ourselves that our purpose in this situation is to support and encourage.

Let’s end the mommy wars.

What say you?